Are your friends fat?  Do you hide the mayonnaise and banana frosting before they come over for a friendly game of Scrabble? Well look in the mirror Fatty.

When I visit my parents in San Antonio, the good people at American Airlines usually allow me the choice of either connecting through L.A. or Dallas.  Connecting through L.A. means a five-hour layover and me drinking Bloody Mary’s at the Admiral’s Club.   Connecting through Dallas means me gawking at all the lard asses and wondering if Karen Carpenter had the right idea.

Everything is bigger in Texas.  This is not just an unofficial state logo but a statement of fact.  Texas is home to four of the fattest cities in the U.S.: El Paso, Fort Worth, Houston and San Antonio.  The lard that could be rendered from all the fat waddling around Texas could help feed all the poor in China for at least three years, maybe four.

In Japan, the portions of food you get at your neighborhood restaurant are adequate and filling without leaving you feeling stuffed and remorseful.  In Texas, these portions would be considered a snack, finger food.  If you don’t believe me, order a combination plate at any Mexican restaurant in Texas and you’ll see what I mean.

And this trend of larger, “Texas” size portions has clearly taken off in most of the rest of the country.  Pop into your city’s Cheesecake Factory.  “Is this salad for one person?” “What do you mean, ‘Did I save room for cheesecake?’ I’m still working on the fucking salad!”

It’s sad that in 2007 there are still people in this world who are literally starving to death.  And as an American, it’s sad and embarrassing that my country has a problem with people who are literally eating to death.