OK, I was gay over the weekend, twice. Several more times before that this month come to think of it. OK, OK, I’ve been gay ever since I can remember. I knew I was gay back in kindergarten. I shit you not.

So Republican Senator Larry Craig pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct earlier this year. Apparently, the good senator was doing some type of gay, closeted, tap dancing number in the stall next to the arresting officer’s stall. This tapping is supposed to be a signal to the guy in the adjoining stall that you’d like to compare weenies. Senator Craig might have even put his foot on the officer’s foot and looked under the stall partition. And this is all a misunderstanding?

I hate having to go number two in public bathrooms. I avoid it like I avoid processed cheese or Mormon missionaries. Just thinking about it gives me the creeps. I had no idea foot tapping was supposed to be a signal. What’s that about? When did doing a jig in the next stall over translate into a sexual invitation? What crazy closeted freak thought that up?

And believe me, the vast majority of these guys doing it in public bathrooms are closeted homosexuals who are likely married with kids. And that’s what makes this whole situation so pitiful. It’s easy to laugh at Senator Craig and mock his hypocrisy. It’s easy to delight in his public disgrace. It’s easy to beat him like you would a brightly painted pinata. Hell, it’s fun.

Here is a conservative Republican who repeatedly voted against extending the rights straight people take for granted to gay people. Here is a married man with children who would deny people of the same sex the right to marry and have children. Here is a conflicted man who is in desperate need of help.

And I hope he gets the help he needs. But until then, here is my stick and the blindfold, it’s your turn to smack the pinata around a bit more.