I turn 35 on the 20th. 35 as in five years from 40. 40 as in 50 in gay years (60 if you live in Chelsea or West Hollywood).

No longer will I be able to check the 25 to 34 box on surveys and questionnaires. Well, not without skewing some market research.

No longer will I be able to say or at least pretend that I’m in my early 30s. Except that really, I do look young for my age. We brown people do age well if we keep out of the sun.

So have I learned anything in my 35 years? Of course.

1. Good Indian restaurants are hard to find in general. Great Indian restaurants are nearly impossible to find.

2. People who don’t like guacamole or dark chocolate are neither people nor alive.

3. It’s OK to elbow older people out of the way on the sidewalk and in the subway when they are clearly taking advantage of their respect-your-elders card with their oversize umbrellas and shopping bags.

4. Never look at price tags when browsing in upscale “boutiques” or “shoppes”–the fancy-shmancy spelling alone warrants the pretense of entitled smugness on your part. Play along.

5. Some Chicago cops are homophobic, trigger-happy, pencil-dicked pricks hellbent on making your life a shit storm of legal fees and personal lows (the ones I’ve met anyway).

6. Always remember to be kind to others, that way, if they try to fuck with you, you are perfectly justified in reacting like a maniacal, vindictive monster.

7. Don’t mistake selfishness as strength in others and especially in yourself.

8. Having a nemesis is fun!

9. People actually mellow out when they get older, except maybe me.

10. Unfortunately, my dad hasn’t mellowed out either. I blame FOX News.

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