Visiting my parents in the U.S. means watching The Price is Right while eating a bowl of cereal as my mom sizes up the contestants:

“Oh, she’s so stupid.  Higher!  Esa pendeja.” 

“Oh, look at the young man in uniform.  He’s back from Iraq.  Damn I hate that bastard president of ours.  Let him send one of those fat-faced daughters of his to war!”

“I want her to win because she’s so ugly.”

Mom and I offer advice to the contestants, laugh at their mistakes and then feel bad for them as they walk off stage humiliated in front of all those watching: the countless homemakers, college students, welfare recipients, gay elementary school kids on summer break, and people waiting for their names to be called at the dentist’s office.  For Americans, The Price is Right is the great uniter.  It’s apple pie on TV.  At least it was under Bob Barker’s command.

Bob Barker was that slick grandfather you see drinking martinis at chic hotel lobby bars.  He was James Bond older, grayer, wiser and Americanized for your viewing pleasure.  Sure he was a womanizer but he only trolled after his “beauties” off screen.  He was firm with slow bidding contestants, mindful of the elderly, respectful of those in military service and playful with the college kids.  But most of all he was fair. 

Drew Carey by contrast is a bumbling, mumbling, dirty, middle-aged nerd who preys on hapless porno blonds with big, store-bought tits.  Have you noticed the contestants now tend to be younger, cheap-looking women with fried hair and tight t-shirts?

Gone are the kindly grandmas and men in military uniforms.  Gone are the college kids with their university sweatshirts–unless they’re coeds from Screw Me U.  Gone are the fat, black women you always root for to win.  Gone are the mousy white women you just know own cats.  Gone are the reasons you want to watch. 

No one could replace Bob Barker.  He was an icon.  But CBS made the wrong choice when it decided to give Drew Carey the gig.  I say fire the pig.