It’s been my experience that biracial kids are either as cute as a button or uglier than sin. They’re either living proof that God wants us to mix or a testament to the evils of co-mingling.

Back in high school, this one very pale, white trash girl with bright red hair had a baby with a very dark, brown trash boy with hard features and zits. I saw their baby at the grocery store one day. I nearly fell to my knees and prayed right there the child was so hideous. Imagine a chocolate brown baby with Easter Island features and bright red hair and you begin to comprehend the blasphemy that was this demon seed realized. On the other hand, just look at the population of Brazil. Most of them are a mix of white, brown and black, and many of them are just gorgeous.

Last weekend, my partner and I attended a sayonara party. One of my partner’s English colleagues brought his Japanese wife and their little boy. The kid was cute, not too Japanese looking but not too British either, the perfect mix of both parents. The kid was quiet, thankfully, at first. I don’t believe in taking kids to grownup parties, but if you have to, it is imperative that you sedate the child. What’s cute during the day is just annoying after a few drinks. The tranquilizers must have worn out close to the end of the night because the kid turned into a Chatty Cathy on caine.

After World War II, some of the American soldiers referred to the locals as “yellow monkeys” so it’s incredibly rude to refer to locals as monkeys or simian in any way. So it surprised me when the kid turned to his dad and said in a creepy, little-boy British accent, “No daddy, YOU are the cheeky monkey, you are!”

He sounded like Damien on the first The Omen movie. He then turned to his mom and said, “Mommy, you are a hairy chimpanzee. Chimpanzee!”

My jaw hit the floor. Do Japanese people secretly refer to each other as monkeys when foreigners are not present? Maybe this kid let the monkey out of the bag.