Last night I dreamed that I was working at a Tokyo branch of the rural Southern burger chain, Dairy Queen. For those of you not familiar with this hillbilly hamburger heaven, Dairy Queen is the white trash equivalent of McDonald’s. It’s the place you stop to pick up a delicious ice cream Blizzard on a road trip between Austin and Houston. By the way, McDonald’s stole the Blizzard and renamed it the McFlurry. McFuck ’em. McFlurries don’t hold an inbred candle to their legitimate hillbilly equivalent.

Dairy Queen does not exist in Tokyo so my dream was pretty far-fetched. Besides, I’d rather jump in front of the Yamanote train than work at a Dairy Queen. In my dream, my white trash coworkers and I served up fried food and ice cream desserts to hordes of hungry Japanese people. My manager was some toothless old fat lady with a home perm and dirty fingernails. I kept wondering what on earth I’d done in my life to be forced to work at a Dairy Queen. Surely broken hearts have been mended, physical scars have healed and those other “things” have never been discovered or uncovered.

And the worst part about it was that the whole time I was working there, all I wanted was a Wendy’s Frosty. A nice, cold, chocolate-flavored Wendy’s Frosty. You see here in Sushiville, we do have Wendy’s. The problem is that the line moves too slowly. This is when you start to rethink the whole Japanese efficiency thing. We expats know the truth: the Japanese are slower than a paraplegic turtle sometimes. You’d think you were in some goddamn third-world hell hole with cleaner streets.

Last week I waited in line on two separate occasions to buy a Frosty at my local Wendy’s. But that line just wouldn’t move. The smell of cow flesh kept drifting into my nostrils and I thought to myself, is this fucking Frosty worth it? Both times I said, “Sumimasen” to the person next to me and left.

Maybe my dream is telling me that I should hold my nose, walk confidently into my neighborhood Wendy’s and say, “Frosty smallo sizeu onegaishimasu.”

Yeah, I think I’ll treat myself to a Frosty after my run today.

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