When I go to Central Park I usually take a Frisbee, a picnic basket or some running shoes, depending on what I’ve planned that afternoon. Richard Quest prefers to take a sex toy, a rope tied from his neck to his johnson and some crystal meth. And he prefers to visit the park at three in the morning. In his defense, I guess it would be hard to catch a Frisbee in the dark, especially when one athletic jump in the air could mean instant castration.

Poor Richard’s Atlas, his career is over. Who could sit across a table from him and answer serious or even playful questions about business travel or “all that the glamorous life implies?” As for those of us watching from our living rooms, how can we watch him without imagining a rope tied from his neck to his dick? How comfortable is that!? I mean, I get it, he maybe took meth to ward off the constant jetlag. But a rope around his penis? A sex toy in his boot? It’s one thing to keep up, it’s an entirely different thing to keep it up.

The question is, who will CNN hire to replace the square-jawed, meth-addicted, formerly-closeted British Guy Smiley?