D.C. Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, apparently hanged herself in her mom’s backyard shed.

Why do people always commit suicide in the shed? Or the closet? Or the bathroom? People always tend to do themselves off in some compact, windowless space with bad wallpaper. Why not the sun room? Kill yourself in front of beautiful green plants and aromatic herbs. The Great Room. Off yourself after watching Oprah in front of your new sofa sectional from Room and Board or that chaise lounge chair you got in that floor sample sale at Crate and Barrel. I mean, if you’re gonna check out, you might as well check out in comfort. You don’t want the last thing you see on this earth to be a roach scuttling off in the corner or a pile of tacky clothes you’ve been meaning to donate to Goodwill.

That said, why doesn’t David Vittor have the balls to hang himself? It really pisses me off that the Madams always get the shaft (no pun intended) while the Johns end up getting off (pun intended) scott free. Are we that misogynistic a society that we always want to punish the women or girls?

Hillary Clinton is an ugly dyke.”

Zoe Cruz, the Cruz Missile, is a ball-busting bitch.”

Miley Cyrus is a teenage whore.”

From Martha Stewart to Mariah Carey, we love to tear down our powerful, influential and successful women, even while we–I use the royal we because I’m gay and don’t want to sleep with women–want their sex, admiration and loyalty. What the royal fuck?

I know I tend towards the conspiracy minded end of things but what if Ms. Palfrey’s death was made to look like a suicide, set up by some disgruntled, high-profile John who wanted The Madam to keep her trap shut once and for all. You just can’t give people in politics too much of the benefit of the doubt. Look at the situation we’re in now. A dumbass president from oil money who invaded an oil rich country and now oil is nearing $4.00 a gallon. Coincidence?