Before I left for vacation, Christian Bale was in the news for his tirade. Now that I’m back in Hong Kong, it seems like this tirade is still news, along with that wack-job, baby lover with the octuplets. If ever someone needed to be spayed or neutered. Where IS Bob Barker when you need him?

And while I’m not a balehead, I am a fan of his torso in American Psycho, which is why I feel the need to defend Bale and his f-bomb laden soliloquy.

We can all relate.

I remember, after a particularly grueling week of teaching English in The Bronx, when I had my own Bale Meltdown. It was Friday afternoon, minutes before the bell rang. I had put down my chalk and was contemplating my colleague’s recent tragic death. My 7th-graders were writing down their homework assignments quietly as I surveyed the back of their misshapen, puberty-disfigured heads when Tameika, my little prima dona from the projects, got “in my line of sight” to throw away a noisily waddle-up piece of paper.

That’s when I lost it.

“Tameika, God Dammit, sit your ass down!!!”

The class froze. Tameika stared, her mouth open in disbelief.

“Bitch, I said sit your dirty ass back down before I slap it back to that tenement shit-hole you call home, ya fuckin’ roach!!!”

Tameika, too shocked to amuse me with her cobra head movements, sat down quietly.

“If I EVER, I mean EVER catch you getting up again without my permission to throw away your homework assignment, or some bloody fucking tampon, I’m going to shove my arm so far down your cock-sucking throat that I’ll clean your ass from the inside!!!”

By now, Tameika was crying uncontrollably.

“And you can shut the fucking water works. That might work at home, but that shit ain’t gonna fly in my classroom!”

Ramon, her friend and partner in crime cried out in her defense, “Mister G, she cryin’!”

“Shut the fuck up ya little bitch!”

“But I’m a boy!” Ramon protested.

“Everyone knows you’re queer, ya little faggot! We’ve all seen you stare at Keith and pop wood. Now shut the fuck up before I call you grandma to tell her that her grandson is a little bitch!”

By this time Tameika was quietly rocking herself in the fetal position underneath her desk.

“And another thing. I know you guys liked Mr. Ledger better than me. Just remember, he’s dead, and I’m the only one who is going to be handing out grades now. Ya got that!? The ONLY one. I’m just as good a teacher as he ever was! Dammit!!!”

The bell rang, and I dismissed the class, but not before making fun of the fact that Tameika had shit herself while in her fetal state.

I never did win that Best Teacher award for my performance that year. They gave that prize to Mr. Ledger. But I know that they know I deserved it more. And that is reward enough.

Now, I love my Whoopi Goldberg, but I have to strongly disagree with her when it comes to Christian Bale. It is never justified to loose your cool and tear someone a new asshole simply because you are in a position of power.

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