Can’t sleep? Restless? Try waterboarding!

Stiff neck? Stressed at work? Turn on the faucet!

Bored? Plagued by random thoughts? Whip out the hand restraints and face cloth!

You just knew that once Christopher Hitchens tried out waterboarding for Vanity Fair, the whole thing would catch on like wild fire. Those pics were priceless by the way.

Pretty soon you’ll have the inevitable heart attack, death or partial paralysis that comes from recreational waterboarding. Crazy kids! The effected family will go on Oprah. Barbara Walters will halt an argument between Joy and Elisabitch to announce in her high-pitched, sing-song voice, “Did you hear about the little boy who is now clinging to his life in St. Louis after waterboarding with his friends?”

“Mmmm!” says Whoopi shaking her head.

I say we should just waterboard controversial people simultaneously and publicly during the evening news. That’ll get those ratings up in a jiffy. First, Nancy Pelosi and Rush Limbaugh! Who can last? Who’ll come out the better person? With more street cred?

On CBS, Katie Couric can challenge Sarah Palin to a waterboard face-off. I’d advise Katiekins to cheat given that Palin is already brain dead.

Next Miss California and Perez Hilton on ABC. Which bitch will gurgle first!? C’mon Senor Perez, show that skanky bimbo the way to her Sweet Lord!