Usually it’s black or brown kids whose parents are white.

Look what we picked up in Guatemala!

Go to Malawi and come back a Mommy!

But Michael Jackson’s kids are white.  At least two of them anyway.  And did he give them boring, run-of-the-mill, suburban names like John, Todd, Kelly or Bob?  No.  He named them Liverpool, Princess Stephanie of Shangri-la, and Liverpool The Revenge.  I mean, come on.  It was obvious from the very beginning that these kids would have a very unhappy childhood.

Now that the custody battle is raging (aka: the fight for the Jackson estate), the poor kids don’t know who or what is gonna screw them.  Both literally and figuratively.

Joe Jackson?  Please!!  Nightmare city.  This man would show more grief if his wallet were stolen.

Katherine Jackson?  The woman can’t remember the way back home.  How is she going to care for the kids?

Ms. Jackson if You’re Nasty?  She’ll have a wardrobe malfunction and accidentally perforate the children.

Diana Ross?  “Come on kids, hop in the car, Mommy needs to buy some more booze.”

Still, I’d rather go with Ms. Ross.  The diamonds, the hair, the make-up, that glare I saw her give some poor fellow backstage when the audio feedback at the tribute concert she was giving in Lincoln Center threatened to sabotage her performance.  Let me tell you one thing, drunk or not, Ms. Ross ain’t gonna take no shit from no one.  And after years of non-stop spoiling, these kids need a disciplinarian.

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