Is it me or does Michael Douglas‘ son look like a bird? A baby hawk? An owl? Tweetybird?

Cameron Douglas was busted at the posh Gansevoort Hotel in New York last night. Apparently, he wanted to move some meth. Not cocaine or heroin but meth. I mean, come on! If your grandfather is Kirk Douglas, if your dad is Michael Douglas, if your step-mom is one of the few women on earth I’d want to sleep with, Ms. Catherine Zeta-Jones, then at least have the decency to be caught trying to sell cocaine. But meth? How white trash is that?

Still, it must be hard to be the son of a screen legend, let alone the grandson and son of two screen legends. How can you compete? I think celebrity parents should be counseled as to how to raise their offspring. Steer them away from the limelight, encourage them to do well in school, persuade them to pursue a PhD. or M.A. in something esoteric or frivolous. Tie their trust fund to a charity. Tell the kid his monthly payments come with strings attached. He has to help raise money for orphans without feet, or clowns without makeup.

Say, “Daddy is very famous and enormously wealthy, and as long as you keep your nose clean, you’ll shop on 5th, summer in Maine and vacation on St. Bart’s. Otherwise, you’ll end up like that Ryan O’Neal kid and I won’t bail you out of jail. Understand? Now how ’bout those sad clowns?”