Carly Simon is broke. Yes, broke. After losing money in unwise investments (Madoff?), and taking on too much debt, the Simon and Schuster heiress finds herself in the poor house–two of them. One a West Village townhouse, the other a beach pad on Cape Cod. We should all be that destitute.

I remember, years ago, the first time I moved to New York, when the then mayor was cracking down on rent-controlled and rent-stabilized abusers. Mia Farrow and Carly Simon cried foul from their below-market price apartments with fabulous views of the park and hardwood floors.

“We can’t afford to live in New York now!!!” They wailed.

“Really?” I thought in the cramped living room of my illegal sublet. True, it was in Tribeca, but I had to run past the doorman on my way through the lobby. Bitchy queen loved to give me hell. Thankfully, he was Puerto Rican, so I’d just throw him something shiny or point out a studly black man and make a break for the elevators while his attention was diverted.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a big Carly Simon fan (Mia Farrow too–go rent Alice and see why). I have many of her hits and misses on my iPod. Nobody Does it Better is arguably the best Bond song ever. Really sums it up. You’re So Vain? Great song and I’m pretty sure it’s about Warren Beatty. My personal favorite is Loving You is the Right Thing to Do. Such a happy 70s love ballad.

And while I’d love to have a Simon sighting while walking down Christopher Street, I’m not very sympathetic to her plight. She says Starbucks didn’t promote her album enough. I got news for her. Everyone just listens to whatever CD they’re hawking while sipping their lattes. The don’t buy.

Poor Ms. Simon says Daddy only gave her a mere pittance, $60,000 in fact, and that she wasn’t an heiress like so many people claim.

$60,000 may be a mere pittance when you’re an heiress, but if you’re black or brown and in living in some man-made hell-hole, $60,000 is a lot of dough.

Carly should just ask her ex-husband, James Taylor, for the money she needs to help keep her afloat. Maybe she’s too vain? But if she hasn’t got time for the pain, I’m sure Mr. Taylor will lend a helping hand.