I told everyone years ago that Senorita Ricky Martin would come out of the closet when he was a has-been, a footnote, a Trivial Pursuit question. We’d all respond with shrugs, smirks and rolled-eyes.

“Ay Dios. So Papi like salami. Que sorpresa.”

He could have done this at the height of his fame, just after his last big hit, “She Bangs”. I mean, who didn’t think it was going to go downhill after that rancid turd hit the airwaves. It should have been called, “He sucks.” Which let me tell you, is truer now more than ever.

And what’s up with that “fortunate homosexual” statement? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

“I jus a’want to say, to all my fans, all five of jew, dat I am a fabulo–I mean a’fortunate homosexual. I still e’look good and I have dees two a’lily white shildren. Yes, es un milagro.”

What’s he want to be with those J-Crew Catalog kids anyway? The new Michael Jackson?

I hope he doesn’t think the “gay community” is going to throw its arms around his sorry ass. That would be a miracle.

Let’s hope Anderson Cooper and Gerard Butler are taking notes. Come out on top boys. Not at the bottom–unless the bottom is where you like to be.